Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
