Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
you had me at cake vodka
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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