The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
