i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
