Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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