It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
