My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
