So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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