I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
