if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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