There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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