I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
