I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
