Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
