onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
