It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
