I wanna bring you to show and tell
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
