I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
