my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
