I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
