For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
