Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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