who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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