The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
