you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
