Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
