So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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