proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
