does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
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Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
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I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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