Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
