I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
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She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
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i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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