I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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