I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
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Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
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I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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