I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
