my mouth tastes like poor choices
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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