i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
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I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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