i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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