I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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