I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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