I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
