my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
