Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
