if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
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