so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
