I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
