My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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