I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
