and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
