Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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