Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
