Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
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I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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