if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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