Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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