then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
