You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
