Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
