My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
