CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
