I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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